Cultivating Friendships

My grandmother has a daily ritual of laying down in her bed, pulling out her address book, and dialing up the number of a loved one she wanted to speak with. She does this everyday, calls someone she hasn't heard from in a while or she calls someone she spoke with just recently. The length of time never really mattered to her. See my grandmother in her old age values and cherishes her friendships simply because she has valued them in her youth. She sees the value of wonderful healthy friendships, so she has actively cultivated them in her younger years. Tending to them with love, and attention, growing the friendship with time and devotion and patience throughout the years. I unfortunately cannot the same thing for myself. I have, and have had wonderful girlfriends but somewhere along the line the phone calls become less frequent, the lunch dates began to dwindle, and the friendship ends short. So I'm at this point in my life wondering where did I go wrong and how can go forward and do better? The other day I was recently listening to a television show in where the judge said a very important line that caught my attention: "Some people are so self-involved, that they don't have room for anybody else." That particular line tugged at my heart because I saw myself in what she said. Sometimes I become so self involved with myself and my own life I forget to check in with others and touch base. I essentially become a ghost to the people that were originally close to me. When your by yourself so long constantly consumed by your own thoughts and feelings its difficult to jump out of your self indulged world and into reality. One of the reasons I'm writing this blog post is to be more intentional about cultivating and maintaining my friendships. The habit of not keeping in touch with others is a poor and an inadequate way of navigating life. In fact it's a terrible character flaw I need to work on immensely. Having lasting friendships is about being committed and being supportive of someone other than myself.  This is one of those beneath the surface issues that I tend to ignore and not face reality about. However, it's something I can no longer ignore. So in going forward and doing better I will intentionally work on cultivating and continuously nurturing my friendships. These are some of the ways in which I am intentionally going about cultivating lasting friendships:

• Open your phone book at least twice a week and pick a friend to call
• Check in with a local friend and schedule a lunch date for the month
• Take the time to think and reflect and write a personal touching letter to a dear friend
• Make a care package for an out of state friend
• Be more flexible and less flaky on scheduling time together
• Be thoughtful and offer help in any way needed gas money, studying together, a listening ear, babysitting days
• Write down a friend's accomplishment in my agenda and find a way to celebrate it. Perhaps bake their favorite sweets, offer dinner, buy a bouquet of their favorite flowers

If you have any ways of cultivating and maintaining lasting friendship please share below in the comments.

Five Dating Principles to Think About

I have been contemplating making a relationship post for a few reasons. Well for one I am not a relationship or love guru. Although I've received quite a few requests for dating posts I was not exactly sure how to go about doing such a post. It's taken some time but I think this post should be a good start. This post is a few dating principles I personally believe in. I think they can serve any woman well in the dating game. You don't have to agree with everything I've written and perhaps you only agree with one or two principles because the rest are off putting to you. However I will say "just chew the meat and spit out of the bones".

You should be strategic in dating

Being strategic means knowing that your beauty, youth, and time as a woman are extremely valuable in the dating market. While all three are valuable I believe time is one of the most vital for a woman because once time is lost it cannot be made up for. I watch a lot of Ted Talks religiously and one of my favorite Ted Talks is by a psychologist Meg Jay, titled why 30 is not the new 20. She also has a small book the Defining Decade is based on the talk but I don't believe it to be as good. Meg Jay in her talk is realistic about biology and says your 20s is a developmental and trans formative sweet spot. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Being intentional is setting out a clear plan and goal based strategy when dating. I would suggest to make a list on what your most critical needs and wants are, what is actually available and what you have to offer. Then on that list plan out the time frames and what your end goal should be. 

No romance without finance 

Now this dating principle may be a bit vexing to some modernists or those how abhor all traditional dating rules. I myself like a blend of the traditional and the modern when it comes to dating. So with that said, I don't do dutch. No way am I agreeing to splitting the bill for a date. A man in a relationship (or potential) should be helping not hurting you, therefore he should be graciously paying for the date. This is setting a basic financial tone of expectations in the potential relationship. Now not everyone agrees some say this it's the modern times so fair is fair, and rah rah rah something equality rah rah rah something feminism. Well I will just say this there is no such thing as equality in sexual politics of the genders (But that's for another post). Expecting the man to pay for the date is not gold digging. Any man who likens paying for a date being similar to gold digging is not worth dating point blank period.

Never place all your eggs in one basket

By not putting all your eggs in one basket is just equivalent saying do not date one man with an automatic expectation of the end goal being to enter an exclusive relationship. Dating one man can cause a case of pinning after him, lowering your standards if loneliness sets in. There is also the possibility of giving the man the upper hand. I do want to state before any confusion starts to settle in, dating more than one man is not in any way equivalent to having sexual relations with multiple men.  Dating more than one man at a time, just means you are assessing various men for a potential relationship. Naturally as the dating continues you may see that one guy isn't your cup of tea or the other guy gives glaring red flags. Eventually you come to the end of dating game and have the choice to remain single or settle down with one man if there is an offer of an exclusive relationship on the table.

Always Trust Your Intuition

A woman's intuition is there to guide her and it's extremely critical to listen to it intently. That's why the saying always trust your gut is a timeless saying. If you feel suspicions about a guy there is bound to be a red flag popping up shortly in the dating phase. Listening to your intuition can you save time, heartache, and energy. Ignoring your intuition can lead to frustration, dead ends, an wasted energy. Your intuition as a woman is that inner feeling when something is off balance or not quite right. Accept what that gut feeling is telling you and do not attempt to rationalize it away.

A man should love you a little more than you love him

Very rarely do most relationships consist of a 50/50 balance where both the guy and gal are head over heels love with each other. Usually one admonishes the other more a little more. This position gives the woman a slight advantage and reassurance in the relationship. This advice does not equate to dating men you do not like in hopes of eventually liking him, nor does this equate to settling for what's left in hopes of not being lonely. For a man to love you a little more than you love him, you have to start with loving him as well. Naturally this balance of power doesn't always last, it eventually shifts itself especially in long term relationships and long marriages. Love itself fluctuates and has it's highs and lows like everything else. Its the initial phase of the dating & relationship that you gauge whether the man loves a little more. Now I'm sure someone may think or even say "isn't that selfish on the woman's part?" This may be the case and that's okay. I am fine for advocating women being a little selfish in this in this manner when looking out for her best interest.

     

What's on My Bookshelf?

My thoughts lately have been centered on food; growing and cultivating it, consuming it, the history of it, and the politics surrounding it. My thoughts have also been a bit all over the place with relationships, from friendships to romantic ones, all types really.

 
  The modern era way of cooking and eating has ignited a desire in me to cultivate some of my own food and go back to the basics. It also helps that my grandmother has her own full fledged garden, that I used to tend to when I was a little girl. Why my little green thumb faded, I don't no how or why, but its welcoming back color now :)  So the herbs book I picked up at the local bookstore while browsing the gardening section really caught my attention, The book is perfect in the way the information is sectioned and designed. Speaks on gardening a particular herb, harvesting and storing, the medicinal use, and the art of cooking that particular herb. Herbs , I am looking forward to cultivating are basil, dandelion, chamomile, and in particular lavender. Imagine a bedroom smelling of lavender :)  Tastes of Paradise was a required reading book from my 10th grade AP world history class. Well the thing is...we never got around to reading the darn book that semester. Well this summer I set about reading the book and surely did so. Short read of only 200+ pages about how various stimulants, spices, and intoxicants became a social class cue, affected politics, feminism, and history. Like when chocolate was introduced to the European palette it became the drink of royals as a status symbol and only royal men of the court specifically. Then chocolate changed classes and became sweets and gifts for women and children, while simultaneously loosing its status symbol.

Rumi is a name I stumble across quite often on Tumblr posts but never really paid much attention. Now I notice his quotes everywhere. Its by random chance I stumbled across this book, because the front cover captivated me. Intriguing design, don't you think so? A translated book of poetry by a Persian poet and scholar, that comments on spiritual connections and mystical themes. One line that has really touched me: "Love is the soul's light, the taste of morning, no me, no we, no claim of being. These words are the smoke the fire gives off as it absolves its defects, as eyes in silence, tears, face. Love cannot be said." - Rumi, the Glance. Years ago I when I was a Netflix junkie, I binge watched random documentaries. Food Inc. was one in particular that was a strikingly good, honest, and eye opening film. That same year, I found the film's standout book for one dollar at my university Campus book sale :)  Its the rapid industrialization of food farming and production and its even more rapidly negative outcomes that genuinely alarmed me. Food Inc. is a book about the various sides to see modern American food production, the history and future of it and what everyday citizens are capable of when informed.

These last two books are bit controversial. But what's a blog without a bit of controversy, eh? No marriage is not just for white people but that's not entirely what this book is about. Its about the ever declining marriage rate for all Americans but especially for Blacks Americans. It's also about Back women's dating and marriage options reality based and those perceived. If one's pool of dating options is quite crowded or too shallow, then its best to come over to a bigger and better pool to fish and swim around in :)

Lolita is one of those books I was quite surprised to hear being raved about by various people. I have heard about this book for a long time and did not even consider buying it until I came across it for one dollar at my campus book sale. The book as the name suggests is very controversial and was banned at one point I believe. As of now Lolita is an iconic book and heralded as a literary work of writing.

EXTRA:

I am a magazine lover...but not just any kind. I treasure quality print publications with engaging articles, relevant subjects, excellent writers, humor, and awesome design. I believe I have found it all in this new magazine, WOMANKIND. The front cover of Frida Khalo grabbed my attention and the actually amazing content kept my attention. Womankind is a philosophy magazine with a geared focus on women. One article is o the history of bee keeping, why bees are disappearing, and why we should do our part and cultivate flowers to keep bees pollinating. Another article tells of a close knit community of women in a small town in central Mexico fighting against the uninvited logging community and winning. Womankind magazine is officially a new magazine staple.


Did any of these books grab your attention? Feel free to comment and say so :) By the way, what's on your bookshelf at the moment?