What Will the Next Ten Years Look Like For You?

There's so much more I want to say and dive into politically and socially but I will leave that for another blog post. For now, I'm back to blogging because there so much I want to say. Everything seems so connected and disjointed at the same time. To clarify, a few months ago I decided to truly dive back into the fiction genre. I started by buying several series by Octavia Butler. Octavia Butler is a Black Woman scifi writer who won many awards and is a major mainstay in the scifi genre. The first book I started with was Parable of the Sower and that book could not be anymore scary for its prophesying. I implore you as a reader to buy her novel and start reading. Everything that is happening now has been alluded in her book, which is categorized as fiction. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, and sometimes fiction tells the real truth, while reality is just a glamorized lie. Because of her book, I started to amp up my prepper stash which I am glad I did. Stores in my area started to close early, limit purchase amounts, and many online small companies started having a surge in customers. I made sure to purchase what I considered very necessary items such a large water filter, small deep freezer, gardening seeds, potting soil, and first aid kit supplies.

So now, to come back full circle on this new blog post, and how it connects with Octavia Butler. This wonderful women gave the world and myself two profound gifts. The first one was her large work of marvelous science fiction series. The second was her belief in writing her world into existence. On the latter, Octavia Butler literally wrote her wishes and dreams and how she wanted them idealized into tangible goals. Ms. Butler literally wrote her life into existence. The picture posted above is from one of the pages of her notebooks and is her written manifestations. This has reignited my thinking into planning a road map for my life story.

I want to write on how I plan to make use of the next ten years. The next ten years will be a crucial time period in my life as that will a few years before transitioning into my mid thirties. My last published blog post focused on being consistent with my goals and having daily and weekly challenges to encourage long term habits. Well, some goals were definitely met and exceeded and others are still in progress. My most major goals such as owning my own car, having a savings fund of $1,000, and having a stable full time job that I could live on have not only been met, but have been exceeded! Since I last blogged, I accepted a new position in a new department at work and moved across the country! I saved ten times the amount I needed for my emergency savings, which I am so grateful I was able to do so in light of  the current events now. All of the things I achieved were goals I had written down in my journal, two summers ago. They were very easily tangible goals but very important to me in my young adult years. So in the next upcoming blog posts I will be talking about life roadmaps, goal planning, and strategies. I will also list my main goals for the next ten years.

Cultivating Friendships

My grandmother has a daily ritual of laying down in her bed, pulling out her address book, and dialing up the number of a loved one she wanted to speak with. She does this everyday, calls someone she hasn't heard from in a while or she calls someone she spoke with just recently. The length of time never really mattered to her. See my grandmother in her old age values and cherishes her friendships simply because she has valued them in her youth. She sees the value of wonderful healthy friendships, so she has actively cultivated them in her younger years. Tending to them with love, and attention, growing the friendship with time and devotion and patience throughout the years. I unfortunately cannot the same thing for myself. I have, and have had wonderful girlfriends but somewhere along the line the phone calls become less frequent, the lunch dates began to dwindle, and the friendship ends short. So I'm at this point in my life wondering where did I go wrong and how can go forward and do better? The other day I was recently listening to a television show in where the judge said a very important line that caught my attention: "Some people are so self-involved, that they don't have room for anybody else." That particular line tugged at my heart because I saw myself in what she said. Sometimes I become so self involved with myself and my own life I forget to check in with others and touch base. I essentially become a ghost to the people that were originally close to me. When your by yourself so long constantly consumed by your own thoughts and feelings its difficult to jump out of your self indulged world and into reality. One of the reasons I'm writing this blog post is to be more intentional about cultivating and maintaining my friendships. The habit of not keeping in touch with others is a poor and an inadequate way of navigating life. In fact it's a terrible character flaw I need to work on immensely. Having lasting friendships is about being committed and being supportive of someone other than myself.  This is one of those beneath the surface issues that I tend to ignore and not face reality about. However, it's something I can no longer ignore. So in going forward and doing better I will intentionally work on cultivating and continuously nurturing my friendships. These are some of the ways in which I am intentionally going about cultivating lasting friendships:

• Open your phone book at least twice a week and pick a friend to call
• Check in with a local friend and schedule a lunch date for the month
• Take the time to think and reflect and write a personal touching letter to a dear friend
• Make a care package for an out of state friend
• Be more flexible and less flaky on scheduling time together
• Be thoughtful and offer help in any way needed gas money, studying together, a listening ear, babysitting days
• Write down a friend's accomplishment in my agenda and find a way to celebrate it. Perhaps bake their favorite sweets, offer dinner, buy a bouquet of their favorite flowers

If you have any ways of cultivating and maintaining lasting friendship please share below in the comments.

On Building Confidence

Where Does One Gain Confidence?

I am a self professed introvert with a bit of extrovert tendencies. What does that mean exactly? It means I crave solitude and I'm revitalized by my own energy, as in not the energy of others. In fact, I delight in my own solitude for days on end by diving into the world of books, surfing the internet, writing in my notebook, or just baking in the kitchen by myself. However, that alone time tends to distort my frame of mind so I have to actively push myself to socialize with others. When I do this,  I find myself  amongst others. I'm electrified by the energies of family and friends and by the engaging and nourishing conversations I have with them. However I do best with small groups of people, perhaps a group number of no more than five or six; if it is any larger I tend to feel anxious, jittery, and full of nerves. My personality by nature is reserved and observant until I can find common interest with someone. It did take a long time for me to become comfortable around strangers and people I'm not familiar with. Especially given that I genuinely prefer my own solitude. So how did I actually get to that place of comfort meets confidence.

Knowing Who You Are

One of the biggest confidence builders I find is knowing who you are as a person. It took me quite some years to come to a place of being at ease with my own personhood. My high school experience was mentally draining and extremely taxing on my emotions, with the first few years of college following a similar pattern. It was not until I recently found my footing, that I can say I am in love with my own personhood. I have come a long way from my teenage self and now have become more refined, observant, and more in control of my emotional state. With that being said, I have come to the realization that when you know yourself the confidence just exudes from within and you fashion an aura of a woman just content in being. Knowing who you are is knowing where you stand in the world, what you contribute, and why you matter. Well what if you do not know yourself as of yet? What if you are still wandering in search of her? I say "fake it till you make it!' If you are unsure of yourself spend time alone and just practice self-love and becoming a better version of yourself. Practicing self-love can be a daily habit of journaling, exercising, tending to a garden, reading for knowledge and nourishment, and taking up a new hobby such as baking. I also think being self critical and taking note of  your strengths and weaknesses is crucial to knowing who you are as a person.

Smiling is Not a Sign of weakness but Rather a Sign of Strength

On building confidence. In an earlier blog post I raved about the Smile of a Carefree Black Girl. A smile on a woman is like seeing a lovely flower blossom. Smiling is one of the ways to building confidence and is an invitation which lets others know how open you are. No not the fake unauthentic smiling like some people do in pictures but rather the lit from within smile. So I smile when I see someone nearby. I smile when I make small small talk. I smile when I greet strangers. I smile when it rains. I smile when I'm thinking to myself and I smile at the end of the day knowing I can just shush the worries of the day away with a snuggle in the comfort of my own bed. I'm not suggesting to smile when there are other emotions you are legitimately wanting to express. However, smiling really does ease you into a better mood. If smiling daily does not come naturally I would suggest thinking of the last compliment a stranger expressed to you. Consistently remind yourself of how that one compliment made you feel inside.






Songs that help with Confidence Building:

• Whatever Lola Wants by Nina Simone
• Winner by the Noisettes  
• I'm Madonna by Madonna
• You Want This by Janet Jackson 
• Champion by Buju Banton 
• Milkshake by Kelis

10 Questions

 
1. If you could only own 10 items, what would you choose?
1. smartphone
2. a Moleskin notebook
3. my Grandmother's pearl earrings
4. my childhood photo album
5. my laptop
6. my first copy of the first Harry Potter book given to me by my third grade teacher
7. my Mother's ring
8. my childhood stuffed lion - Simba
9. Lancome foundation
10. a large bottle of coconut oil

2. Would you rather be rich, famous or influential?

I would rather be influential. Being influential allows me to a better people person and work diplomacy quite well. Being influential allows me to network fluidly and build from there. Plus influential people generally have their name ......

3. If you were only allowed to eat five foods and drinks from here on out, what would they be?
1. Fried plantains
2. Boiled flour dumplings
3. Water
4. Mangoes
5. Vanilla ice cream

4. If you won $1 million, what would you do with it?
I think about this question a lot. I think the best way to answer this is divide this into three parts. One is what my own self interests and selfish wants would be: start a small business, buy a few investment wardrobe pieces, buy a few stocks, and put money towards my travel plans. My second part would go to my family especially my Dad since he invests so much in me. Hopefully buy my Mother a house with a paid off mortgage. The third par would go towards a charity or organization I'm keen on. I seriously want to further write about this because while a $1 million dollars is a lot more than I have, how far could I spread it!

5. Could you live life without technology?

No I most certainly could not. In fact one the first ten items I listed above is my smartphone and laptop! Technology is here to stay.

6. Where is the ultimate place you’d like to travel to? Since high school I've had my list made. In choosing just one country is hard, so I will pick one country per continent. 
Africa: Nigeria,
Asia: China,
Europe: Sweden, 
South America: Argentina, 
Caribbean: Jamaica. 
I care nothing for Antartica or Australia.



7. Choose five people from today or in history that you would invite over to have an intimate conversation with.

1. Tina Dickow
2. Harriet Tubman
3. Thomas Sankara
4. Magatte Wade
5. Machiavelli

8. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?

I want to say a cute bunny rabbit but they are so far down on the food chain. Perhaps a gazelle as they are lovely creatures but like rabbits so vulnerable as prey. So I would just say a hefty smart elephant.

9. What would you do if you had the power to turn invisible?

My goodness the possibilities are endless.

10. If your house caught fire, what would you attempt to grab?

Outside of my phone and my private papers, my jewelry while everything else is replaceable.

To my readers: The questions you answer can be fun, somewhat serious or thought-provoking. Try to think up your own answers down below.

Five Dating Principles to Think About

I have been contemplating making a relationship post for a few reasons. Well for one I am not a relationship or love guru. Although I've received quite a few requests for dating posts I was not exactly sure how to go about doing such a post. It's taken some time but I think this post should be a good start. This post is a few dating principles I personally believe in. I think they can serve any woman well in the dating game. You don't have to agree with everything I've written and perhaps you only agree with one or two principles because the rest are off putting to you. However I will say "just chew the meat and spit out of the bones".

You should be strategic in dating

Being strategic means knowing that your beauty, youth, and time as a woman are extremely valuable in the dating market. While all three are valuable I believe time is one of the most vital for a woman because once time is lost it cannot be made up for. I watch a lot of Ted Talks religiously and one of my favorite Ted Talks is by a psychologist Meg Jay, titled why 30 is not the new 20. She also has a small book the Defining Decade is based on the talk but I don't believe it to be as good. Meg Jay in her talk is realistic about biology and says your 20s is a developmental and trans formative sweet spot. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Being intentional is setting out a clear plan and goal based strategy when dating. I would suggest to make a list on what your most critical needs and wants are, what is actually available and what you have to offer. Then on that list plan out the time frames and what your end goal should be. 

No romance without finance 

Now this dating principle may be a bit vexing to some modernists or those how abhor all traditional dating rules. I myself like a blend of the traditional and the modern when it comes to dating. So with that said, I don't do dutch. No way am I agreeing to splitting the bill for a date. A man in a relationship (or potential) should be helping not hurting you, therefore he should be graciously paying for the date. This is setting a basic financial tone of expectations in the potential relationship. Now not everyone agrees some say this it's the modern times so fair is fair, and rah rah rah something equality rah rah rah something feminism. Well I will just say this there is no such thing as equality in sexual politics of the genders (But that's for another post). Expecting the man to pay for the date is not gold digging. Any man who likens paying for a date being similar to gold digging is not worth dating point blank period.

Never place all your eggs in one basket

By not putting all your eggs in one basket is just equivalent saying do not date one man with an automatic expectation of the end goal being to enter an exclusive relationship. Dating one man can cause a case of pinning after him, lowering your standards if loneliness sets in. There is also the possibility of giving the man the upper hand. I do want to state before any confusion starts to settle in, dating more than one man is not in any way equivalent to having sexual relations with multiple men.  Dating more than one man at a time, just means you are assessing various men for a potential relationship. Naturally as the dating continues you may see that one guy isn't your cup of tea or the other guy gives glaring red flags. Eventually you come to the end of dating game and have the choice to remain single or settle down with one man if there is an offer of an exclusive relationship on the table.

Always Trust Your Intuition

A woman's intuition is there to guide her and it's extremely critical to listen to it intently. That's why the saying always trust your gut is a timeless saying. If you feel suspicions about a guy there is bound to be a red flag popping up shortly in the dating phase. Listening to your intuition can you save time, heartache, and energy. Ignoring your intuition can lead to frustration, dead ends, an wasted energy. Your intuition as a woman is that inner feeling when something is off balance or not quite right. Accept what that gut feeling is telling you and do not attempt to rationalize it away.

A man should love you a little more than you love him

Very rarely do most relationships consist of a 50/50 balance where both the guy and gal are head over heels love with each other. Usually one admonishes the other more a little more. This position gives the woman a slight advantage and reassurance in the relationship. This advice does not equate to dating men you do not like in hopes of eventually liking him, nor does this equate to settling for what's left in hopes of not being lonely. For a man to love you a little more than you love him, you have to start with loving him as well. Naturally this balance of power doesn't always last, it eventually shifts itself especially in long term relationships and long marriages. Love itself fluctuates and has it's highs and lows like everything else. Its the initial phase of the dating & relationship that you gauge whether the man loves a little more. Now I'm sure someone may think or even say "isn't that selfish on the woman's part?" This may be the case and that's okay. I am fine for advocating women being a little selfish in this in this manner when looking out for her best interest.

     

22 Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

I'm just now coming into myself and adjusting from my teenage frame of mind to an adult frame of mind. In fact I'm still trying figure out the steps to proper adulting. Every so often I reflect on my life and think, man I wish I knew this earlier, or I wish I would have done this better. So now looking back here are twenty-two things I would tell my younger self if I could acquire a time machine and transport back to the age of... 16

 














   1. It's not your business what people think of you
   2. Wasted potential is one of the saddest things to witness
   3. If you keep saying tomorrow it may never come
   4. Being an introvert is okay
   5. Don't burn your bridges and always keep contacts refreshed

     6. Journaling daily is one the best ways to become a better writer and a better you
     7. Own your decisions completely
     8. Never forget that feeling is always temporary
     9. Document everything, the good the bad and the ugly
    10.Procrastination will become your worst habit to break if you are not careful

    11. Saving money is a habit you want to obsessively stick with 
    12. Other people cannot make you happy only you can
    13. You have twenty-four hours in a day like everyone else, make the best of it
    14. Always write down your ideas and thoughts no matter how silly
    15. Driving is not as scary as it seems





    16. You have to nurture your friendships
    17. If a boy doesn't like you it's not the end of the world, I promise
    18. Prepare to be sad... alot but what you do with that pool of sadness is where your creativity    
    breaks through
    19. Art is a skill you must continuously foster if not your skills set will always remain amateurish
    20. Research skincare and haircare, your future self will thank you




   21. Take a few tech classes and pick up some coding skills
   22. Explore the library more and read up on as many books as you can
   23. Beware of charming men
   24. Always be prepared for that possible opportunity
   25. Loving someone and loving the idea of someone are two different things

Please comment below and tell me 5 things of what you would tell your younger self.