Cultivating Friendships

My grandmother has a daily ritual of laying down in her bed, pulling out her address book, and dialing up the number of a loved one she wanted to speak with. She does this everyday, calls someone she hasn't heard from in a while or she calls someone she spoke with just recently. The length of time never really mattered to her. See my grandmother in her old age values and cherishes her friendships simply because she has valued them in her youth. She sees the value of wonderful healthy friendships, so she has actively cultivated them in her younger years. Tending to them with love, and attention, growing the friendship with time and devotion and patience throughout the years. I unfortunately cannot the same thing for myself. I have, and have had wonderful girlfriends but somewhere along the line the phone calls become less frequent, the lunch dates began to dwindle, and the friendship ends short. So I'm at this point in my life wondering where did I go wrong and how can go forward and do better? The other day I was recently listening to a television show in where the judge said a very important line that caught my attention: "Some people are so self-involved, that they don't have room for anybody else." That particular line tugged at my heart because I saw myself in what she said. Sometimes I become so self involved with myself and my own life I forget to check in with others and touch base. I essentially become a ghost to the people that were originally close to me. When your by yourself so long constantly consumed by your own thoughts and feelings its difficult to jump out of your self indulged world and into reality. One of the reasons I'm writing this blog post is to be more intentional about cultivating and maintaining my friendships. The habit of not keeping in touch with others is a poor and an inadequate way of navigating life. In fact it's a terrible character flaw I need to work on immensely. Having lasting friendships is about being committed and being supportive of someone other than myself.  This is one of those beneath the surface issues that I tend to ignore and not face reality about. However, it's something I can no longer ignore. So in going forward and doing better I will intentionally work on cultivating and continuously nurturing my friendships. These are some of the ways in which I am intentionally going about cultivating lasting friendships:

• Open your phone book at least twice a week and pick a friend to call
• Check in with a local friend and schedule a lunch date for the month
• Take the time to think and reflect and write a personal touching letter to a dear friend
• Make a care package for an out of state friend
• Be more flexible and less flaky on scheduling time together
• Be thoughtful and offer help in any way needed gas money, studying together, a listening ear, babysitting days
• Write down a friend's accomplishment in my agenda and find a way to celebrate it. Perhaps bake their favorite sweets, offer dinner, buy a bouquet of their favorite flowers

If you have any ways of cultivating and maintaining lasting friendship please share below in the comments.

I'm Not Apologizing for Feminism

Since the democratization, transparency, and easy access of the internet, online communities, movements, ideologies, and so forth have sprung forth from the virtual world into reality. Just like the pages in a book, pages on the internet have ideas that are incredibly contagious. One of the more contagious ideas is the dismal of feminism especially a backlash to the third wave feminism. Third wave feminism which is much more recent and comes from generation X and continued on with millennials. Various online communities such as mens rights activists, traditionalist (Betty homemakers), staunch political conservatives, hotepers and the like have their spat with feminism in general. They and others despise the third wave which focuses on micro-politics, rape culture, gender politics, the wage gap, counterculture, and more. While I may not agree with a good portion of the objectives of what's in third wave feminism, I however will not throw the baby out with the bath water.



I want to say on the record for the internet community to hear: I will NOT apologize for feminism. I will NOT reject the advent and movement of women's rights because a certain wave of feminist thought veered off from the original branch. Is that not how all movements start and continue? A point in history: from Martin Luther's indirect movement of causing others to reject the Catholic church's domineering power and and veer off dividing the church of Rome. From Luther's reformation we have Protestantism. Of course from there two christian sects: Lutherism, Calvinism, and Angelicalism. The veering goes even further but I will stop here. My point should be clear, every movement that gains speed and many followers eventually splits into sects and various strains of differing thoughts and ideals. For some reason the third wave of feminism is the most ridiculed and slammed as if we cannot go back in history and see the same hate for second and first wave of feminism. I can disagree vehemently with feminism today and its over reaching hands in pop culture, advertising, and political thought. I can bang my pretty little head against a wall at how tone deaf many White feminists are about intersectionality with Black women. I can also say the same for every other movement. What I will not agree with is doing away with feminism altogether. Doing away with feminism will not bring the traditional family back together the way many people think it will. Doing away with feminism will not make some men stop hating women, which is just wishful thinking.




While accepting feminism and its many different sects I still have my own thoughts and viewpoints. I am all for women saving their virginity for marriage or a special day when they are ready. I am all for women who wish and plan to be a home maker, business owner, apart of a power couple or become a nun in a covenant. I am all for women having the right to have a safe abortion in an abortion clinic. I agree with feminism in women having the option to exercise their choices in life. I can accept the whole of feminism as a movement I align with and still distance myself from certain sects or stay with the orthodox vision. What I do wish to state is my viewpoint based on world history and my own understanding of people and power dynamics. Patriarchy will always be there no matter what we tell ourselves or how we feel things should be. Men will always have greater power in society to a certain extant. Whether this is a natural or conventional order that I can not be sure of. Womens hard earned rights and freedom are due to women's fight for and mens allowance of such. I don't believe the sexes are equal as in the same therefore I don't believe in the ideology of sex equality. We are two different sexes with great differences but we both are necessary and made for each other. We both bring our own attributes to greater society and neither one is above the other. I do however believe both sexes men and women are of the same worth and value. That is the feminism I believe in. I do not believe patriarchy can be abolished, but you can influence the men in your circle to uplift and secure women's rights. I have all these viewpoints and still I am extremely grateful for feminism and I will not apologize for it.

What's on My Bookshelf

It has been a while sorry everyone. It's exam season right now so making a full blog post crossed my mind but never actually fictionalized the way I wanted it to. However here is post to detail what's going on with me. By the way I hope everyone's Thanksgiving holiday went well :)

What I am currently reading (in between school books of course)

I have been on a feminine/feminist/luxury kick lately. Anything that alludes to these subjects with words like prestigious, courtesans, femininity, love, lifestyle, and all. So little by little over the past few months I have been collecting (checking out) books from my campus library. Now like a good student I have to have them all read and returned by December 30, 2014. The books on my bookshelf now are going to nurture and nourish me over the winter break.

The first time I heard of Anaïs Nin's diary was on tumblr. Anaïs Nin is regarded as a eroticist and short story writer and gained popularity in the 1960s. From what I am told her best books are her journals. So here I go diving into the depths of the mind of Anaïs Nin. I came across Pablo Neruda by the way of Joan Clayton from the show Girlfriends. I immediately loved him right then and there. Sonnet XI (I crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair) is full of wonderful lust and passion, but its so earnest and conceptual. I wonder, at what point in love, must one be to eagerly desire to consume the entirety of another person, (metaphorically of course). I believe arising early in the morning to read a book of Pablo Neruda's poetry is just divine. Nothing starts off a good morning like a good book of poetry and  warm cup of tea.
Diane Von Furstenberg's quotes resonate really very deeply with me. "I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to become." "The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself." So I had to read her autobiography and find out how Diane became Diane Von Furstenberg. I was told by a friend when observing a guy to pay attention to the liquor he buys and the watches he wears. I don't care for liquor since I hardly ever drink but watches are something special. Why are watches soooo damn expensive. Its all in the timepiece I tell you. Over the summer I went with a friend to the Omega store and stayed for about an hour. It was wonderful just being surrounded by luxurious watches and having the store clerk explain the history of the Omega brand.
Courtesans are the ultimate modern feminist women. They were able to have lives outside of the confinements to the house. They traveled, worked alongside men, sexed men without grief, and were integral to the arts of their culture. I want to learn the ways of a courtesan in regards to seduction, art of good conversation (hence good poetry books), the art of charm, and overall just mastering the arts of capturing and holding a man's interest and desire. However I don't have rose-colored spectacles on, so I'm well aware of what a courtesan was and how they were treated by others in society. A courtesan by definition was(is) an upper class prostitute. At that point int time and history I admire courtesans for what they achieved as women who were straddled with society's constraints. From what I find throughout most of history in majority of documented cultures women who went against the grain were women who made history. Hence why I also have Laurel Thatcher's book in my book shelf.

Of course learning the ways of famous courtesans is apart of learning experience, but what about love? Calling in the One seems to be a promising book to help me open up my heart and let love in. I know sounds very cliche and cheesy right. I actually have faith in this book, because it appears to honestly help women come at peace with herself and be of self-acceptance. With self-acceptance is not much easier to accept good love. It's true "we accept the love we believe we deserve." I know it's an exhaustive list of books, but hey these topics were on my mind. So here's to Winter reading ^_^ Are there any books on your bookshelf that you are itching to read?

"How a Woman Walks" - Zora Howard

"Walk Like a Woman, did with the suns of a nation complacent in the crook of your neck." - Zora Howard.

Zora Howard is a Black American writer, spoken word poet, and activist with roots in Harlem, New York. Ms. Howard I believe has given phenomenal contributions to modern American poetry and writing. Ms. Howard is also the youngest NYC Youth Poet Laureate.

At some point in my last years of high school I discovered Zora Howard's spoken word performances on YouTube, stumbling upon her video "Walking" as an introduction to her. Mind you when I found her spoken word videos in high school she was only a few years older than me, but her words and voice commanded an age that was far beyond who I saw on the video. Ms.Howard's poetry is heart tugging, engaging, and is heavily sprinkled with biting metaphors that linger in my head for hours on end. I IMPLORE YOU to to set aside time to watch her videos without any distractions. I find my favorite spoken word video by Ms.Howard to be Walking. I can replay that particular video over and over without any hesitation. Every time I hear Zora Howard perform her spoken word piece Walking I want to reach out to every black woman and man and just simply bring them closer towards me and simply hug them. Ms. Howard speaks on everything I have always felt and spoke on but says it with such power and her voice commands great attention.

The main reason I want to show people this particular video are for these lines in particular that really spoke to me.

• Every night since I was nine my daddy told me I really was an angel 
• He mad me promise to always walk like a woman did,
• Carry your divinity in your chin, and try not to trip, walk hard little angel 
• If you lifted your eyes from her breasts maybe you would see your sister in her face and hear her heart trying to break free
• Teach them how to soldiers but never fathers
• We teach them how to be gangstas but when are they going to find time how to dream

Little Black girls you all are angels, every single one of you. Every little girl deserves to be told she is an angel, especially by her father or any other prominent male figure in her life. She deserves the showering kisses of love and attention from her father. As women I truly believe we carry our divinity in our chin as 

Ms.Howard says. Black women and Black men we deserve better, so much better. However this post I want to really speak to Black women when I say this: Promise to always walk like a woman did ... and carry your divinity in your chin.