Cultivating Friendships

My grandmother has a daily ritual of laying down in her bed, pulling out her address book, and dialing up the number of a loved one she wanted to speak with. She does this everyday, calls someone she hasn't heard from in a while or she calls someone she spoke with just recently. The length of time never really mattered to her. See my grandmother in her old age values and cherishes her friendships simply because she has valued them in her youth. She sees the value of wonderful healthy friendships, so she has actively cultivated them in her younger years. Tending to them with love, and attention, growing the friendship with time and devotion and patience throughout the years. I unfortunately cannot the same thing for myself. I have, and have had wonderful girlfriends but somewhere along the line the phone calls become less frequent, the lunch dates began to dwindle, and the friendship ends short. So I'm at this point in my life wondering where did I go wrong and how can go forward and do better? The other day I was recently listening to a television show in where the judge said a very important line that caught my attention: "Some people are so self-involved, that they don't have room for anybody else." That particular line tugged at my heart because I saw myself in what she said. Sometimes I become so self involved with myself and my own life I forget to check in with others and touch base. I essentially become a ghost to the people that were originally close to me. When your by yourself so long constantly consumed by your own thoughts and feelings its difficult to jump out of your self indulged world and into reality. One of the reasons I'm writing this blog post is to be more intentional about cultivating and maintaining my friendships. The habit of not keeping in touch with others is a poor and an inadequate way of navigating life. In fact it's a terrible character flaw I need to work on immensely. Having lasting friendships is about being committed and being supportive of someone other than myself.  This is one of those beneath the surface issues that I tend to ignore and not face reality about. However, it's something I can no longer ignore. So in going forward and doing better I will intentionally work on cultivating and continuously nurturing my friendships. These are some of the ways in which I am intentionally going about cultivating lasting friendships:

• Open your phone book at least twice a week and pick a friend to call
• Check in with a local friend and schedule a lunch date for the month
• Take the time to think and reflect and write a personal touching letter to a dear friend
• Make a care package for an out of state friend
• Be more flexible and less flaky on scheduling time together
• Be thoughtful and offer help in any way needed gas money, studying together, a listening ear, babysitting days
• Write down a friend's accomplishment in my agenda and find a way to celebrate it. Perhaps bake their favorite sweets, offer dinner, buy a bouquet of their favorite flowers

If you have any ways of cultivating and maintaining lasting friendship please share below in the comments.

On Building Confidence

Where Does One Gain Confidence?

I am a self professed introvert with a bit of extrovert tendencies. What does that mean exactly? It means I crave solitude and I'm revitalized by my own energy, as in not the energy of others. In fact, I delight in my own solitude for days on end by diving into the world of books, surfing the internet, writing in my notebook, or just baking in the kitchen by myself. However, that alone time tends to distort my frame of mind so I have to actively push myself to socialize with others. When I do this,  I find myself  amongst others. I'm electrified by the energies of family and friends and by the engaging and nourishing conversations I have with them. However I do best with small groups of people, perhaps a group number of no more than five or six; if it is any larger I tend to feel anxious, jittery, and full of nerves. My personality by nature is reserved and observant until I can find common interest with someone. It did take a long time for me to become comfortable around strangers and people I'm not familiar with. Especially given that I genuinely prefer my own solitude. So how did I actually get to that place of comfort meets confidence.

Knowing Who You Are

One of the biggest confidence builders I find is knowing who you are as a person. It took me quite some years to come to a place of being at ease with my own personhood. My high school experience was mentally draining and extremely taxing on my emotions, with the first few years of college following a similar pattern. It was not until I recently found my footing, that I can say I am in love with my own personhood. I have come a long way from my teenage self and now have become more refined, observant, and more in control of my emotional state. With that being said, I have come to the realization that when you know yourself the confidence just exudes from within and you fashion an aura of a woman just content in being. Knowing who you are is knowing where you stand in the world, what you contribute, and why you matter. Well what if you do not know yourself as of yet? What if you are still wandering in search of her? I say "fake it till you make it!' If you are unsure of yourself spend time alone and just practice self-love and becoming a better version of yourself. Practicing self-love can be a daily habit of journaling, exercising, tending to a garden, reading for knowledge and nourishment, and taking up a new hobby such as baking. I also think being self critical and taking note of  your strengths and weaknesses is crucial to knowing who you are as a person.

Smiling is Not a Sign of weakness but Rather a Sign of Strength

On building confidence. In an earlier blog post I raved about the Smile of a Carefree Black Girl. A smile on a woman is like seeing a lovely flower blossom. Smiling is one of the ways to building confidence and is an invitation which lets others know how open you are. No not the fake unauthentic smiling like some people do in pictures but rather the lit from within smile. So I smile when I see someone nearby. I smile when I make small small talk. I smile when I greet strangers. I smile when it rains. I smile when I'm thinking to myself and I smile at the end of the day knowing I can just shush the worries of the day away with a snuggle in the comfort of my own bed. I'm not suggesting to smile when there are other emotions you are legitimately wanting to express. However, smiling really does ease you into a better mood. If smiling daily does not come naturally I would suggest thinking of the last compliment a stranger expressed to you. Consistently remind yourself of how that one compliment made you feel inside.






Songs that help with Confidence Building:

• Whatever Lola Wants by Nina Simone
• Winner by the Noisettes  
• I'm Madonna by Madonna
• You Want This by Janet Jackson 
• Champion by Buju Banton 
• Milkshake by Kelis

22 Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

I'm just now coming into myself and adjusting from my teenage frame of mind to an adult frame of mind. In fact I'm still trying figure out the steps to proper adulting. Every so often I reflect on my life and think, man I wish I knew this earlier, or I wish I would have done this better. So now looking back here are twenty-two things I would tell my younger self if I could acquire a time machine and transport back to the age of... 16

 














   1. It's not your business what people think of you
   2. Wasted potential is one of the saddest things to witness
   3. If you keep saying tomorrow it may never come
   4. Being an introvert is okay
   5. Don't burn your bridges and always keep contacts refreshed

     6. Journaling daily is one the best ways to become a better writer and a better you
     7. Own your decisions completely
     8. Never forget that feeling is always temporary
     9. Document everything, the good the bad and the ugly
    10.Procrastination will become your worst habit to break if you are not careful

    11. Saving money is a habit you want to obsessively stick with 
    12. Other people cannot make you happy only you can
    13. You have twenty-four hours in a day like everyone else, make the best of it
    14. Always write down your ideas and thoughts no matter how silly
    15. Driving is not as scary as it seems





    16. You have to nurture your friendships
    17. If a boy doesn't like you it's not the end of the world, I promise
    18. Prepare to be sad... alot but what you do with that pool of sadness is where your creativity    
    breaks through
    19. Art is a skill you must continuously foster if not your skills set will always remain amateurish
    20. Research skincare and haircare, your future self will thank you




   21. Take a few tech classes and pick up some coding skills
   22. Explore the library more and read up on as many books as you can
   23. Beware of charming men
   24. Always be prepared for that possible opportunity
   25. Loving someone and loving the idea of someone are two different things

Please comment below and tell me 5 things of what you would tell your younger self.

Daily Habit of Journaling

"An unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

Recording your life on paper eternalizes your essence. You are saying to the world and to yourself that you matter. Though your body now decayed, your thoughts live on forever. With that being said journaling also directly forces you to examine your life. By journaling you are having an inner dialogue with yourself that you can reflect on every time you open your journal. 

I will be journaling early in the morning before the sun rises. This will help me to clear my conscious and evaluate my life more effectively. I can not possibly think of a better way to start the day than to have a warm cup of tea, soothing music or just silence, and a pen to eternalize my thoughts to paper. Since I have a few books to spare I will use 3 noteboks. One book for a free hand thoughts, one book for weekly reflections and improvements, and another journal for quotes/affirmations/gratitude thoughts that resonate with me.

Positive effects of journaling:

• becoming more self aware
• helping to understand your own point of view 
• help recover from emotional turmoil
• record daily happenings
• your creativity 
• writing becomes more effortless 
• improve mental clarity and self-esteem

Different Types of Journals:

• personal growth (self-love )
• dream records
• gratitude book
• free hand 
• travel journal

"How a Woman Walks" - Zora Howard

"Walk Like a Woman, did with the suns of a nation complacent in the crook of your neck." - Zora Howard.

Zora Howard is a Black American writer, spoken word poet, and activist with roots in Harlem, New York. Ms. Howard I believe has given phenomenal contributions to modern American poetry and writing. Ms. Howard is also the youngest NYC Youth Poet Laureate.

At some point in my last years of high school I discovered Zora Howard's spoken word performances on YouTube, stumbling upon her video "Walking" as an introduction to her. Mind you when I found her spoken word videos in high school she was only a few years older than me, but her words and voice commanded an age that was far beyond who I saw on the video. Ms.Howard's poetry is heart tugging, engaging, and is heavily sprinkled with biting metaphors that linger in my head for hours on end. I IMPLORE YOU to to set aside time to watch her videos without any distractions. I find my favorite spoken word video by Ms.Howard to be Walking. I can replay that particular video over and over without any hesitation. Every time I hear Zora Howard perform her spoken word piece Walking I want to reach out to every black woman and man and just simply bring them closer towards me and simply hug them. Ms. Howard speaks on everything I have always felt and spoke on but says it with such power and her voice commands great attention.

The main reason I want to show people this particular video are for these lines in particular that really spoke to me.

• Every night since I was nine my daddy told me I really was an angel 
• He mad me promise to always walk like a woman did,
• Carry your divinity in your chin, and try not to trip, walk hard little angel 
• If you lifted your eyes from her breasts maybe you would see your sister in her face and hear her heart trying to break free
• Teach them how to soldiers but never fathers
• We teach them how to be gangstas but when are they going to find time how to dream

Little Black girls you all are angels, every single one of you. Every little girl deserves to be told she is an angel, especially by her father or any other prominent male figure in her life. She deserves the showering kisses of love and attention from her father. As women I truly believe we carry our divinity in our chin as 

Ms.Howard says. Black women and Black men we deserve better, so much better. However this post I want to really speak to Black women when I say this: Promise to always walk like a woman did ... and carry your divinity in your chin.