Cultivating Friendships

My grandmother has a daily ritual of laying down in her bed, pulling out her address book, and dialing up the number of a loved one she wanted to speak with. She does this everyday, calls someone she hasn't heard from in a while or she calls someone she spoke with just recently. The length of time never really mattered to her. See my grandmother in her old age values and cherishes her friendships simply because she has valued them in her youth. She sees the value of wonderful healthy friendships, so she has actively cultivated them in her younger years. Tending to them with love, and attention, growing the friendship with time and devotion and patience throughout the years. I unfortunately cannot the same thing for myself. I have, and have had wonderful girlfriends but somewhere along the line the phone calls become less frequent, the lunch dates began to dwindle, and the friendship ends short. So I'm at this point in my life wondering where did I go wrong and how can go forward and do better? The other day I was recently listening to a television show in where the judge said a very important line that caught my attention: "Some people are so self-involved, that they don't have room for anybody else." That particular line tugged at my heart because I saw myself in what she said. Sometimes I become so self involved with myself and my own life I forget to check in with others and touch base. I essentially become a ghost to the people that were originally close to me. When your by yourself so long constantly consumed by your own thoughts and feelings its difficult to jump out of your self indulged world and into reality. One of the reasons I'm writing this blog post is to be more intentional about cultivating and maintaining my friendships. The habit of not keeping in touch with others is a poor and an inadequate way of navigating life. In fact it's a terrible character flaw I need to work on immensely. Having lasting friendships is about being committed and being supportive of someone other than myself.  This is one of those beneath the surface issues that I tend to ignore and not face reality about. However, it's something I can no longer ignore. So in going forward and doing better I will intentionally work on cultivating and continuously nurturing my friendships. These are some of the ways in which I am intentionally going about cultivating lasting friendships:

• Open your phone book at least twice a week and pick a friend to call
• Check in with a local friend and schedule a lunch date for the month
• Take the time to think and reflect and write a personal touching letter to a dear friend
• Make a care package for an out of state friend
• Be more flexible and less flaky on scheduling time together
• Be thoughtful and offer help in any way needed gas money, studying together, a listening ear, babysitting days
• Write down a friend's accomplishment in my agenda and find a way to celebrate it. Perhaps bake their favorite sweets, offer dinner, buy a bouquet of their favorite flowers

If you have any ways of cultivating and maintaining lasting friendship please share below in the comments.

Five Dating Principles to Think About

I have been contemplating making a relationship post for a few reasons. Well for one I am not a relationship or love guru. Although I've received quite a few requests for dating posts I was not exactly sure how to go about doing such a post. It's taken some time but I think this post should be a good start. This post is a few dating principles I personally believe in. I think they can serve any woman well in the dating game. You don't have to agree with everything I've written and perhaps you only agree with one or two principles because the rest are off putting to you. However I will say "just chew the meat and spit out of the bones".

You should be strategic in dating

Being strategic means knowing that your beauty, youth, and time as a woman are extremely valuable in the dating market. While all three are valuable I believe time is one of the most vital for a woman because once time is lost it cannot be made up for. I watch a lot of Ted Talks religiously and one of my favorite Ted Talks is by a psychologist Meg Jay, titled why 30 is not the new 20. She also has a small book the Defining Decade is based on the talk but I don't believe it to be as good. Meg Jay in her talk is realistic about biology and says your 20s is a developmental and trans formative sweet spot. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Being intentional is setting out a clear plan and goal based strategy when dating. I would suggest to make a list on what your most critical needs and wants are, what is actually available and what you have to offer. Then on that list plan out the time frames and what your end goal should be. 

No romance without finance 

Now this dating principle may be a bit vexing to some modernists or those how abhor all traditional dating rules. I myself like a blend of the traditional and the modern when it comes to dating. So with that said, I don't do dutch. No way am I agreeing to splitting the bill for a date. A man in a relationship (or potential) should be helping not hurting you, therefore he should be graciously paying for the date. This is setting a basic financial tone of expectations in the potential relationship. Now not everyone agrees some say this it's the modern times so fair is fair, and rah rah rah something equality rah rah rah something feminism. Well I will just say this there is no such thing as equality in sexual politics of the genders (But that's for another post). Expecting the man to pay for the date is not gold digging. Any man who likens paying for a date being similar to gold digging is not worth dating point blank period.

Never place all your eggs in one basket

By not putting all your eggs in one basket is just equivalent saying do not date one man with an automatic expectation of the end goal being to enter an exclusive relationship. Dating one man can cause a case of pinning after him, lowering your standards if loneliness sets in. There is also the possibility of giving the man the upper hand. I do want to state before any confusion starts to settle in, dating more than one man is not in any way equivalent to having sexual relations with multiple men.  Dating more than one man at a time, just means you are assessing various men for a potential relationship. Naturally as the dating continues you may see that one guy isn't your cup of tea or the other guy gives glaring red flags. Eventually you come to the end of dating game and have the choice to remain single or settle down with one man if there is an offer of an exclusive relationship on the table.

Always Trust Your Intuition

A woman's intuition is there to guide her and it's extremely critical to listen to it intently. That's why the saying always trust your gut is a timeless saying. If you feel suspicions about a guy there is bound to be a red flag popping up shortly in the dating phase. Listening to your intuition can you save time, heartache, and energy. Ignoring your intuition can lead to frustration, dead ends, an wasted energy. Your intuition as a woman is that inner feeling when something is off balance or not quite right. Accept what that gut feeling is telling you and do not attempt to rationalize it away.

A man should love you a little more than you love him

Very rarely do most relationships consist of a 50/50 balance where both the guy and gal are head over heels love with each other. Usually one admonishes the other more a little more. This position gives the woman a slight advantage and reassurance in the relationship. This advice does not equate to dating men you do not like in hopes of eventually liking him, nor does this equate to settling for what's left in hopes of not being lonely. For a man to love you a little more than you love him, you have to start with loving him as well. Naturally this balance of power doesn't always last, it eventually shifts itself especially in long term relationships and long marriages. Love itself fluctuates and has it's highs and lows like everything else. Its the initial phase of the dating & relationship that you gauge whether the man loves a little more. Now I'm sure someone may think or even say "isn't that selfish on the woman's part?" This may be the case and that's okay. I am fine for advocating women being a little selfish in this in this manner when looking out for her best interest.

     

What's on My Bookshelf

It has been a while sorry everyone. It's exam season right now so making a full blog post crossed my mind but never actually fictionalized the way I wanted it to. However here is post to detail what's going on with me. By the way I hope everyone's Thanksgiving holiday went well :)

What I am currently reading (in between school books of course)

I have been on a feminine/feminist/luxury kick lately. Anything that alludes to these subjects with words like prestigious, courtesans, femininity, love, lifestyle, and all. So little by little over the past few months I have been collecting (checking out) books from my campus library. Now like a good student I have to have them all read and returned by December 30, 2014. The books on my bookshelf now are going to nurture and nourish me over the winter break.

The first time I heard of Anaïs Nin's diary was on tumblr. Anaïs Nin is regarded as a eroticist and short story writer and gained popularity in the 1960s. From what I am told her best books are her journals. So here I go diving into the depths of the mind of Anaïs Nin. I came across Pablo Neruda by the way of Joan Clayton from the show Girlfriends. I immediately loved him right then and there. Sonnet XI (I crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair) is full of wonderful lust and passion, but its so earnest and conceptual. I wonder, at what point in love, must one be to eagerly desire to consume the entirety of another person, (metaphorically of course). I believe arising early in the morning to read a book of Pablo Neruda's poetry is just divine. Nothing starts off a good morning like a good book of poetry and  warm cup of tea.
Diane Von Furstenberg's quotes resonate really very deeply with me. "I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to become." "The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself." So I had to read her autobiography and find out how Diane became Diane Von Furstenberg. I was told by a friend when observing a guy to pay attention to the liquor he buys and the watches he wears. I don't care for liquor since I hardly ever drink but watches are something special. Why are watches soooo damn expensive. Its all in the timepiece I tell you. Over the summer I went with a friend to the Omega store and stayed for about an hour. It was wonderful just being surrounded by luxurious watches and having the store clerk explain the history of the Omega brand.
Courtesans are the ultimate modern feminist women. They were able to have lives outside of the confinements to the house. They traveled, worked alongside men, sexed men without grief, and were integral to the arts of their culture. I want to learn the ways of a courtesan in regards to seduction, art of good conversation (hence good poetry books), the art of charm, and overall just mastering the arts of capturing and holding a man's interest and desire. However I don't have rose-colored spectacles on, so I'm well aware of what a courtesan was and how they were treated by others in society. A courtesan by definition was(is) an upper class prostitute. At that point int time and history I admire courtesans for what they achieved as women who were straddled with society's constraints. From what I find throughout most of history in majority of documented cultures women who went against the grain were women who made history. Hence why I also have Laurel Thatcher's book in my book shelf.

Of course learning the ways of famous courtesans is apart of learning experience, but what about love? Calling in the One seems to be a promising book to help me open up my heart and let love in. I know sounds very cliche and cheesy right. I actually have faith in this book, because it appears to honestly help women come at peace with herself and be of self-acceptance. With self-acceptance is not much easier to accept good love. It's true "we accept the love we believe we deserve." I know it's an exhaustive list of books, but hey these topics were on my mind. So here's to Winter reading ^_^ Are there any books on your bookshelf that you are itching to read?